Word of Warning to the Wise

Posted on the July 8th, 2007 under Mac / Tech Zealotry by Dan

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Do not, under any circumstances, purchase a Nokia 6300. The phone is, without a doubt, the dictionary definition of a lemon. Amongst it’s faults are poor web browsing, poor call quality, poor camera, no mac support at all, no h.264 support (Despite it being written on the bloody box), no supplied data cable so everything had to be done over bluetooth, an address book feature that managed to destroy my addresses, the world’s worst web experience on a phone ever, it refuses to send text messages and you can’t hear the ringer on full volume unless the room is in dead silence, the phone strapped to your head and you are thinking about nothing else. I shall be returning to Sony Ericsson without haste, because at least there’s a phone which I can get to grips with.

Thank to you, Apple and/or Paramount

Posted on the June 24th, 2007 under Mac / Tech Zealotry, TV / Media / Music by Dan

If I wish to watch, like I did this evening, my legally purchased copy of Star Trek III - The Search for Spock , then the only way to do it, would be to download it from Mininova, because it’s shure as hell not playing on my machine.

Thanks a lot, you pieces of bastard.

Goodbye Norma Jean..

Posted on the April 13th, 2007 under Life, Mac / Tech Zealotry by Dan

My K750i joystick ceased up a few weeks ago, after months and months of protest, lollygagging and irritation. Today I press-ganged my wonderful wife into finding out from Phones4you whether they would be able to service it. They said yes, but if we wanted it done now, we could go to Lowestoft market, where it would be done as you wait, for a tenner.

Except when he got my phone, he told me that my K750 is an early model (Hooray for early adoption) and that whilst later models have new seals, which protect the inner solder for the joysticks, the older models lack it, and it requires major surgery. The sort where it is easier to replace the phone altogether. But of course, the 750 is now well out of warranty, so I’m left with a lemon.

I’m heartbroken for a variety of reasons – a very expensive phone like that, especially with precision Swedish engineering behind it should have lasted more than 18 months, that expense is all gone. Of course I also miss it because it was my camera, and I was looking forward to documenting my last two months at university with my friends – since no-one is as camera happy as myself it’s functionally useless, and most critically, I had an enormous love for the phone. The camera has been a functional extension of myself for the last 18 months, and whilst I know a lot of you think being sentimental over a piece of kit is silly, my heart and wallet both ache at the thought. Sadly I cannot afford to replace the K750, so I have returned to the trusty T610 I had in my first year, leaving me with a functional, barebones phone.

What irks me is that I think there should be stronger minimum standards set in law for this sort of thing. I know the usual excuse is ‘Let the market decide’, but fuck it. I’m angry and I’m going to make my point. By law in this country, the maximum time a gadget is legally protected for is six months (Sale of Goods Act 1979) – which is fine for a fair few items, but not a piece of sophisticated engineering which is £200 to replace. The principle remains the same for a car. If you buy a car, the law gives you a maximum protected term of six months. Six MONTHS? For a CAR?

Obviously companies want to shill us for every penny we have, but I really believe that we cannot remain in a situation where a company, let’s use Sony for an example, can demand £600 for a Ps3 and then, if it breaks on day 181 of ownership, well. Tough luck kiddo. Double or nothing for you.

The cruel irony to all of this is that my first phone was a Nokia, which was functional and fun, but broke within the first 8 months, ensuring I never bought another one of their phones again, the Motorola which had the world’s most retarded navigation structure, the Sendo which broke after a fortnight, and now the Ericsson. A brand I thought I liked and had faith in, a brand I had hoped to be loyal to because I liked everything about their phones. Not so much now. I’ll sit here with my T610 from now until the arthritis in my fingers renders me incapable of using a cellphone any more. Fuck you all.

Changing the world with Sugared Water

Posted on the June 15th, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry by Dan

Is anyone else worried that the world’s favorite computer company is slowly beginning a dip into stagnation?

It’s a concern I’ve held for a while, but I was reminded recently of the line Jobs used to recruit Gil Amelio to the company all those years ago; “Do you want to go on selling sugared water to kids for the rest of your life, or do you want to change the world?”.

Steve is rapidly approaching his 10th anniversary as the returning crown-prince of Apple, and sadly I cannot help but think that his claim to Ameilo has failed him.

Let’s examine. Steve took a failing company, and returned it to glory. Moreover, he’s made himself enough money over the last decade to buy at least a couple of small countries. He’s certainly a cool dude, but has he really “Changed the world”?

Something that has given me this impression is the fact that Apple hasn’t invented anything new in quite a long time now. The iPod and it’s variances were introduced in 2000, that was the last “new” device Apple came up with. The last “new” product they added to the mix was in 2005. Ever since, we’ve been seeing so little of that innovation that makes Apple the darling of the clerisies of this world.

You see, for me, the Intel switch, the Macbook Pro, Macbook, new iMac and Mini and iPod Nano are the main products that have come out in the last two years, but that’s not a new product - they’re still desktop or laptop computers. They still do the same shit they always did, only faster. The iPod nano is a smaller iPod Mini, it still just plays pictures and songs. the 5G iPod plays songs and videos, if you want to sacrifice all of your battery life.

Sadly, I don’t see a lighter replacement to a walkman and a (admittedly brilliant) well designed & tidy computer to be products that have changed the world. Not by the sort of great shakes that Jobs must have been implying when he pitched to Ameilo all those years ago.

***

Let’s be honest. Quite a lot of people over the years have wanted to make change for the better in this world. Politicians, Writers, Artisans, Sociologists, Leaders and Captains of Industry. We all want to “teach the world to sing” - even if in some cases the lyrics are cribbed from an anal cunt CD.

Jobs is one of those few people who quite possibly could do that. He has the power, the influence, the money, the audience. Bono might be an irritating, talentless wanker who won’t shut up, but at least he’s had a pop at doing some good. If I was heading up one of the best teams of engineers and designers

The metaphor works best if I suggest that I’m Isembard Kimgdom Brunel’s boss at GWR, and instead of allowing his genius to create a mass-transit system of utter perfection, build the greatest and longest lasting engineering feats this country has seen, or revolutionise the way we build aquatic vehicles, I instead make him sit at a desk and constantly refine the hinges on the benches in public spaces. They’d be fucking great hinges and fittings, probably the most exciting benches to sit upon in the world, but he’s not exactly changed the world has he?

Jobs boasted once that his designers have worked tirelessly away at stuff like an Apple PDA, tablet PC, cellphone (Whatever) and said that he refused to put those products on the market. Jobs might just be sitting on some middling consumer electronics that look good sprayed white, but he might be sitting on a group of talented engineers who might be able to do some real good, and for once and for all “Change the world”.

In a derisive discussion I had today whilst watching England v Trinidad, I balked at the crowd’s monosyllabic changing for “Roo-neh”, because in my opinion, one squat-headed little teenager with a broken foot could not change the playing style of 10 other men. Then England won, 2-0.

Perhaps I’m putting too much emphasis on what is technically just a thin bloke with one testicle, cool glasses and a beard. Maybe when he meant “Change the world” he meant “Own my own lear jet”. All I’m saying is that there is only a small minority of people who can actually cause those great positive sea-changes in the world in their lifetime. Jobs is one of these people, so why does he remain where he is?

Quick question

Posted on the March 22nd, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry, Small Thoughts by Dan

Did anyone else’s OS X get like, a gajillion times more snappy and responsive? It’s as if another gig of Ram just slid into place, all of the actions and graphical movements are smoother and far faster now. It’s insane. (& Brilliant, natch).

Quick question

Posted on the March 22nd, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry, Small Thoughts by Dan

Did anyone else’s OS X get like, a gajillion times more snappy and responsive? It’s as if another gig of Ram just slid into place, all of the actions and graphical movements are smoother and far faster now. It’s insane. (& Brilliant, natch).

Dear iCal

Posted on the March 20th, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry, Small Thoughts by Dan

Why won’t your icon always be the right date, not just when it’s open? I have no need for a calendar function, I’m disorganised pretty well on my own, without your help, but it’d save a bit of time if I didn’t have to click the time counter, or press F12 before I could see the date. Seriously, Moses. You are soooooo lazy.

Uncle Steve…

Posted on the February 28th, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry by Dan

A hi-fi. A bloody Hi-fi. That, the realisation that you will never make the media centre we are dying for and no portable device, or new iPod. Or anything. Hell. You couldn’t have disappointed me more if you’d just introduced [Dot]Mac 2.0 or something equally silly. When a microsoft concept video makes me desperate to have a product from their stable, whilst you remain adamant that you can strangle the market to domination by jacking up the price of your budget mac, then really. It’s time for someone else to run the company for a year.

In which I don’t discuss how I’m going to try and solve the problem of having shitty hair.

Posted on the February 26th, 2006 under Life, Mac / Tech Zealotry, University by Dan

So where have I been, you ask yourselves in your numerous one-ness?

Well, because it’s “That time of the year again” – I’m currently trying to headbutt my way down the usual 14,000 words worth of work to do by the end of the Term. Ideally, I’d have nothing but those to do, but the usual rigmarole of seminar work and lectures mean that these are technically “extra curricular”.

But it occurred to me that I’ve been whinging, when really, I’ve never had it so good. I’m cooking nice food (More on that later), I’m doing a good degree at a (moderately) good University, and I’m clement. For however this period lasts for, enjoy it. So, no more whinges. Just positivity and commentary for a while. I’ve even softened to Amelle Berrabah’s weird face.

But onto other things I’d like to talk to you about.

Second Life
So, if a woman from New York can make more money renting real estate in a MMORPG* than in, you know. New York (SAY WHA?) then something’s up. So I signed up for it. I’m totally unsure how to describe it. I’m totally unfamiliar with the kind of thing it is**. It was processing about as slow as the elderly engaged in sexing, as Lee Ermey likes to say****. Until I turned it down until it looked like the “Maze” screensaver on Windows 95. But there you go. What’s amazing about it is that it’s essentially empty. It’s very much like wandering around a post-apocalyptic city, everything’s wonderfully created (By the users, I might add) including a working TARDIS which was fantastic, and an entire USS Defiant, modelled from the inside and out, which was at the local Science Fiction museum. The problem is, is that I’ve seen, on my wanderings, about 10 people. Which kinda makes me feel odd. Why, if it is such a success, is it not TEEMING with people? It is very much a desolate kind of place. Addictive, I’ve had to restrain myself from re-entering the game quite frequently but I cannot fathom why. Maybe it’s just the places I’m going, but it was kinda advertised as a new “social networking” jobbie, and no bastard’s there.

I [heart] Sainsburys
Every week, I find a new CD in there which is only £2 or £3, including some really embarrassing ones (*OneTouch*, and this week, the Soundtrack to Carol Reed’s Oliver!. A musical I had to learn by heart when I went to try to become a “proper thespian” back when they were scouting for gormless faced blonde haired boys. (Yes, I looked like Mark Lester when I was 10. Don’t mock me). That, and their awesome steak offers, which leads me to….

I [Heart] Gordon Ramsey
Yesterday we watched More4’s “The F Word” marathon. The show, the first food show not featuring an emaciated Scottish woman humiliating fat people that I find entertaining, taught two girls how to cook a perfect steak yesterday, so I’m giving it a go as well. Butter, Seasoning, Sauces, the work. Proper chef’s style. That and some Mushroom CousCous. Mmmmm. Even judging it by the hardness of my own (double) chin. Mmmm.

I [Do not chuffing heart Microsoft Word]
Which won’t open if you click on the icon any more. If you do, it just shuts down afterward – if you open it by opening a file, then fine. Bam. It stays open. Oddness.

I [Chuffing Heart] Half Life 2.
Matthew, that wonderful man who is clean and industrious and is not a dirty Mexican, returned from reading week, Half Life 2 clutched to his breast. I played the first game, and enjoyed it, but not to the point where I would drool senselessly over it. I’ll be honest, it was just Doom, but scarier. However, Half Life 2, besides being unbelievably fucking scary, when not fighting head crabs, or corpses which attack you like a mauling lion, (i.e. the bits when you’re fighting humans) are fantastic! No other game I know of allows for scenes where you can just crash into the outpost’s foundations of the bad guys, and watch as they tumble into the river beneath you. It’s extraordinarily linear, but just the wideness of the game makes up for it. It makes me jealous for Windows users that Valve haven’t bothered to port it to the Mac and me all the more interested in if an Intel mac can run Half Life 2 natively***. May be worth a new iBook just for that.

And finally

I [Heart] The Sanderson Pitch’s Dive.

*Odds on, at least one person will tell me it is unequivocally not a MMO.
** Yeah… Yeah… Harvey Birdman.
*** As in “on Windows” numbnuts.
**** “You climb obstacles like old people fuck!” – Classic.

Postscript. Matthew had mistagged “Boards of Canada” with the similarly named “British Sea Power’s album cover. Blame him”.

Email Quandries

Posted on the January 18th, 2006 under Mac / Tech Zealotry by Dan

One of the problems of being this wonderfully pretty is the fact that I’ve got very little technical knowhow to the nitty gritty of things that can only be solved by neckbearded men who understand the notion of TCP/IP, but do not understand the concept of Women. I’m sure they know another gender exist. I’m just not entirely sure they’ve ever met one. (Interesting trivia: I’m fairly sure that there is not one single person doing computer science at Kent who isn’t humping something, they do get about, those kids. It also means I have noone to look down upon. Which makes me sad) . Still, one of the multiple problems I have is that I am beseiged by email. I loathe it, I hate reading it, checking it, responding to it. It bothers me. Mostly, because email, for me is a hassle. Let me explain;

Back in the day, i.e. 1998, I had one email address. It began with coop9000, and ended in “yahoo.com”. That was it. I checked it, I went home. Due to the advent of lots of emails, I had to open a second one, again endining with “at Yahoo.com”. Then, due to the advent of MSN, I had to get a hotmail account. So I got one. Then, when I joined BT Internet, myself and my parental unit needed / wound up with BT emails, and when I was invited to Gmail, I had to get a Gmail account, and sadly because I realise that I can’t put my Gmail account on my CV. (Read a book, turns out that you can be instantly ignored in a CV pile if you have a stupid email name) so I got a second one, which is now the (sorta) main one. Then, of course there’s Kentmail. The email address for all of my University and law school communication. Then there’s the Big Lens email address, which has to be checked. Then at least two others I’m not talking to you about here. Either way, I’ve got in the region of 12 email addresses. All of which are full of spam. All of which I really don’t want to check constantly in a day.

So, I asketh you, the internet community, how should I deal with these? Do I try to get them all merging into Mail for OS X (Which I’ve so far found impossible to do, since it doesn’t like any of my email addresses) or just trudge along slowly, having a miserable email life. (I also won’t take suggestions of deleting the old accounts. I’m quite attatched to them).