A Load of Old Toot About Rugby
I don’t particularly like Brian Ashton, I don’t like his demeanour, the way he communicates ideas – he reminds me of a dour PE Teacher I had in middle school, loading his commentary with scathing, hidden criticism and damning everyone who wasn’t his favourites with faint praise. Watching his post-game commentary makes me want to throw items at the TV, such as his voice and mannerisms fill me with hellish visions of school memories long since repressed.
What you can’t fault him for, perhaps sadly, is that he is a brilliant Rugby Coach. Without descending into hyperbole, he is excellent at his job – and yet week on week, John Inverdale and Gobby Logan constantly belittle him, teasing him like a sneering end page of the Sun, dangling provocation in front of him like a ball of wool in front of a cat you hate screaming ‘do you WANT IT?!, DO YOU?!’ and millimetres away from grasping it, they snatch it away to leave the cat falling headfirst into a concrete wall. Ashton managed to grab together the first twenty Englishmen he could grab hold of, and in a week had them ready to play in the World Cup. Three weeks later and they were World Cup contenders. Four months later and he takes England to 2nd Place in the Six Nations (Don’t mention the fact we owe the thoroughly amazing Welsh something for that). Brian Ashton is a Gnat’s pube away from taking us to a proper victory and yet somehow again, people are demanding his head.
Ashton himself begged that they alter the coaching structure, since currently the structure stands as so:
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John Wells (Forwards Coach) Mike Ford (Backs / Defensive Coach)
Ashton being figurehead, manager, media front and for many Lynchpin of English Rugby. Despite his begging, Rob Andrew - Whilst should be praised for not behaving like a Football coach and knee-jerking him to the side – has yet to actively place a better support structure around Ashton to work. I’m not suggesting that the whole world has to revolve in order to allow Ashton to do his job, but it seems that there is too much conflict and distress at the top end of elite rugby. So I’ve decided to suggest a new, Fantasy England Coaching Team, with explanations.
Ashton hates playing the media game, mostly because he is, at his stony cold heart, a dour northerner who seems to hate being in the limelight. Ashton has begged for someone to take over the role, so why not someone born with the gift of playing the media well?
Manager: Jose Morhinio
Oh come on, like I’d choose anyone else. Imagine a day where we lost 112 – 0 to Italy, Jose would stand there, Grey wool trenchcoat flapping in the tunnel, stony faced and declaring casually to Gabby Logan; ‘The best team did not win, the Italians – they all dirty cheats’ before walking off into the distance leaving the mouthy bitch speechless. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t pay a fortune for that moment.
Players Coach: Martin Johnson or Lawrence Dallagio
I had pondered this for a while only to have the wind removed from my sails by the bloody papers – a former player with a strong head and captaincy skills could come in and bring discipline, co-ordination and role modelling. Imagine another ‘Ciprianigate’ situation – instead of having the coaches, who have a developmental role, being questioned for metering out punishments, it would be the senior players themselves who regulate the conduct of their members – but again it can’t be another team member, as the teams should be about community, not hierarchies, so how better to remedy this than by including designated carrot-and-stick holding team coaches?
Attack Coach: Brian Ashton
Or that feller who kept us at #2 in the world and #2 in the Northern Hemisphere, back to what he does best, nurturing individual skills such as those of Toby Flood, Matthew Tait, Richard Wigglesworth, Paul Sackey, Danny Cipriani and King Wilkinson.
Defensive Coach: Sean Edwards
Like I was going to mention anyone else. It’s a fantasy signing because if the Welsh have any sense, they would offer this man a solid gold statute of himself and all the Irish virgins he can get his tiny hands on, but watching 15 Welshmen stand there patiently waiting for the French to realise that they were fighting for possession of the ball in a ruck with only Frenchmen was the most satisfying moment in the whole Six Nations.
Set Piece Coach: Jake Wood
Another fantasy signing, but let’s be honest – that’s where the Springboks raped us badly in the World Cup final, England have remedied a large proportion of the set-piece faults, but more can be done to make us Set-piece kings of the World.
You may scoff at my selection because it is unrealistic. Ah, but I can dream can’t I?
