Thank you for not calling the authorities. I could have been lying here, in a pool of my own excreta. No-one’d have known. Thank you.

I don’t particularly like Brian Ashton, I don’t like his demeanour, the way he communicates ideas – he reminds me of a dour PE Teacher I had in middle school, loading his commentary with scathing, hidden criticism and damning everyone who wasn’t his favourites with faint praise. Watching his post-game commentary makes me want to throw items at the TV, such as his voice and mannerisms fill me with hellish visions of school memories long since repressed.

What you can’t fault him for, perhaps sadly, is that he is a brilliant Rugby Coach. Without descending into hyperbole, he is excellent at his job – and yet week on week, John Inverdale and Gobby Logan constantly belittle him, teasing him like a sneering end page of the Sun, dangling provocation in front of him like a ball of wool in front of a cat you hate screaming ‘do you WANT IT?!, DO YOU?!’ and millimetres away from grasping it, they snatch it away to leave the cat falling headfirst into a concrete wall. Ashton managed to grab together the first twenty Englishmen he could grab hold of, and in a week had them ready to play in the World Cup. Three weeks later and they were World Cup contenders. Four months later and he takes England to 2nd Place in the Six Nations (Don’t mention the fact we owe the thoroughly amazing Welsh something for that). Brian Ashton is a Gnat’s pube away from taking us to a proper victory and yet somehow again, people are demanding his head.

Ashton himself begged that they alter the coaching structure, since currently the structure stands as so:

Ashton being figurehead, manager, media front and for many Lynchpin of English Rugby. Despite his begging, Rob Andrew - Whilst should be praised for not behaving like a Football coach and knee-jerking him to the side – has yet to actively place a better support structure around Ashton to work. I’m not suggesting that the whole world has to revolve in order to allow Ashton to do his job, but it seems that there is too much conflict and distress at the top end of elite rugby. So I’ve decided to suggest a new, Fantasy England Coaching Team, with explanations.

Ashton hates playing the media game, mostly because he is, at his stony cold heart, a dour northerner who seems to hate being in the limelight. Ashton has begged for someone to take over the role, so why not someone born with the gift of playing the media well?

You may scoff at my selection because it is unrealistic. Ah, but I can dream can’t I?

Last week the final episode of David Simon’s The Wire was leaked, I just finished watching it.

I viewed the truncated season with mistrust, Season 4 had been powerful, funny and touching. It was also a dark, horrible slog to get through that ended on the blackest of low notes. I have been surprised at the majesty of these final 10 episodes, their wit, charm, the fact that it being the final season gave Simon licence to go wild, writing beyond even his excellent standards and bringing a fitting conclusion to the show.

I’m here upset not because of anything the show did in it’s final year (Although the regular ‘Where are they now’ montage will cause you to giggle like a child at one characters fate and immediately make you weep at another) but because that is it for ‘The Wire’. Whilst Simon even had characters within the show reading ‘Generation Kill’ - a journalist’s account of the Iraq war dealing with similar themes as The Wire, we must stand solemn and understand that a narrative as exquisite as this comes only once a generation.

#1 - Belle Du Jour, The Intimate Adventures of a London Call-Girl by Belle De Jour
#2 - The Further Adventures of a London Call-Girl by Belle De Jour (30/1/08)
#3 - Lessons from the Land of Pork Scratchings by Greg Gutfeld (12/2/08)
#4 - The Naked Jape by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves (21/2/08)

Reading:
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon
Zodiac by Robert Graysmith
It’s Superman! by Tom DeHaven

Up Next:
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemmingway
Don’t Feed the Ducks by Liam O’Connell

Purchased:
Vineland by Thomas Pynchon
Crash by J.G. Ballard
The Princess Bride by William Goldman
The Old Devils by Martin Amis

Recommended To Me:
The Damned United by David Peace (by Prof. Scott)
The Girl’s Guide to Modern European Philosophy by Charlotte Greig (by Katie B)

Anyone else have the feeling that I’m going to have a lot of catching up to do in the Summer? I should have read 20 books by March 1st…

Christmas 2006/7 I made the resolution to get a pilot screened at Channel 102, something which isn’t possible now since they’ve changed their name to Channel 101:NY. Immaterial, I still want to have something shown there - just because I don’t want to let yet another thing lapse into never being finished, so I’m working on a new show;

My regular reader will already see where this is going - I step into the considerably sexy shoes of Mrs Lawrence Fox and do the routine, albeit in 5 minutes instead of 25 and with at least 400% more fat jokes. But in my neverending quest to increase interactivity, I post my first draft for you, discerning comedy fans to see what you think and how you would improve the script to make it razor-sharp. You are my friends and my sounding board - consult away.

L’Homme De Jour
The Secret Diary of a Male Call Girl

1. Ext. LONDON.
Steve is walking along the bridge at Charing Cross. We pan across to the visage of London and back again to Steve.

2. Titles.
STEVE walking along tower bridge.
STEVE walking along embankment, looking the business.
STEVE standing and looking across the river, along which the logo appears, as if projected onto some vertex we can’t see. L’Homme Du Jour - The Secret Diary of a Male Call Girl.

2. STEVE in BED.
STEVE wakes up, he’s talking directly to camera.

He rises with the camera and begins to talk to it. He is wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt.

3. STEVE in the toilet, sat on the loo.

STEVE pulls out a photo of Ron Jeremy and cocks an eyebrow.

STEVE’s phone rings.

4. Int. Office.
STEVE’s PIMP - MARTIN is sat in an office, very high class, very expensive.

5. Int. Toilet

6. STEVE’s bedroom

CUT-TO
7. Another bedroom

—
More to come tomorrow people - tell me what you think so far…

The delicious Richard Martin has invented a new game, Trendspotting.

You surf on over to http://www.google.com/trends and input two things of seemingly meaningless connection to see what is more popular, here are some of the more amusing.

Leprosy v Doctor Who
Leprosy is a constant year-on-year winner, but Doctor Who has some sort of resurgence in 2005 and beats Leprosy hands down.

Macbook, Facebook, Logbook, Good Book
God, Technology or Zukerberg? Zuckerberg wins - it seems.

The United Nations, The Post Office, The Butchers
Methinks the Post Office is playing a long game, methinks.

Incest v Puppies
The Brits, a nation of dog lovers, would rather sleep with their labradors than their sisters. The high number of american which hit before new year must be the drunken frat boys wondering if their Cousion mindy is sufficiently ‘out there’ for it not to be weird.

Socks v Children
Socks just can’t beat the immovable force of Kids.

Cabbage v Egg
You can notice here that every time there’s a small peak in interest in Cabbages, suddenly the Egg marketing board ramp up their promotions and whump - Egg remains king.

Lego v Legs
Check out how en-vogue Legs were in 05!

Beer v Philosophy
Exactly the same trends at exactly the same time. WOW

Vampires v Beck
Vampires on a downward surge, except at Halloween, where suddenly they get cool again.

and of course, finally…
Success v Failure
Failure being, oh the irony, the victor here.

I had reached 2nd stage for a training contract in January this month but today received an email telling me I’d not made it to the 3rd. Which is a shame because that was the last application I had on the fire. It looks like I shall be repaying my student debt at Birds Eye.

I have suffered through a month of sobriety, 18 hour days at the library and no fruit or fresh vegetables. I am suffering burnout - not because this is a gargantuan effort, I’m aware Lawyers have to do thrice as hard work. I am suffering burnout because at least the Lawyers in question get paid to do this.

I have had an exam every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday for February. This Tuesday I finish.

Kate Bush thought it a wise idea to use Pi as the lyrics to a song.

and this exists;

I am truly mad.

That dreaded Facebook sent me an email today with the following information.

… your strengths:
#2 funniest
#3 best public speaker
#4 most famous

… your weaknesses:
#140 most reliable
#142 most kiss-able

I’m of the opinion that if someone has felt the need to inform me that I’m neither kissable nor reliable, then it’s a good thing, because now I can do my best to improve both kissability and reliability.

So, my regular reader, I open the floor to you - Is it my Dental hygiene? My choice of Facial Hair? Does my breath displease you?, am I late for events often? Have I ever broken a promise to you? Why not tell me, and thus help me, to help you.

Thankgyou.

(For a special bonus, I’m going to try to open comments on this entry so you can even tell me, straight into the blog!)

As the battery warning symbol began to flicker on my mouse, I clicked the email notifier and waited for gMail to load. I looked at the time – 10:55.
‘Shit’, I said.
As I went down the titles, one read ‘Human Resources’. They don’t send emails out for nothing. My heart leapt into my mouth.
‘Dear Mr Cooper, Thank you for your application for a trainee place to commence in September 2009.

We received our highest ever number of applications and I regret that your application has not been successful and we will not be calling on your for interview..’

I ambled toward the shower, every step a condemned man.

Read:
#1 - Belle Du Jour, The Intimate Adventures of a London Call-Girl by ‘Belle Du Jour’.

Reading:
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon
Zodiac by Robert Graysmith

Up Next:
The Naked Jape by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greaves
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemmingway
Don’t Feed the Ducks by Liam O’Connell

Purchased:
Vineland by Thomas Pynchon
It’s Superman by Tom DeHaven
Crash by J.G. Ballard
The Princess Bride by William Goldman
The Old Devils by Martin Amis

Recommended (to me) Reading:
The Damned United by David Peace (by Prof. Scott)
The Girl’s Guide to Modern European Philosophy by Charlotte Greig (by Katie B)