Election Special!!!!

Yes. They are special. Shame no-one cares or bothered to tell us until after the elections took place.

SEXUAL HEALTH CLINIC SCAM EXPOSED!!!

A furious student union has publicly attacked Kent NHS for their underhanded methods of getting young people to practise safe sex, or abstinate in the interests of stopping spreading disease. Their program of "Sensible Sex" has come under fire in several ways.

Firstly, Union Venue or "The Sex Club" as it has been named was booked for a "Private party" through a 3rd party organiser, advertising a variety of minor celebrities to come and laugh at. Included were Nasty Nick from Big Brother, The guy who played the 3rd Jawa on the left in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and an extra from Channel 4 shit-com the Ali G Show. The crowds that piled in to get the chance to brush egos with some of the most famous people they will ever meet were sorely disappointed, when at midnight, the club doors were locked, and a series of nurses emerged from a side-door to hand out condoms, leaflets and stern talkings about going off with random boys they meet in clubs.

One female first year student quoted the nurse to have said that she should "Concentrate on the fat ugly guys who look uncomfortable here, or unseeingly gay. They're probably straight virgins, so they're safer than the attractive ones"

David Budd and Bleeta Lamyman held a press conference, to which our intrepid reporter turned up. Attendance was poor however, since they chose to do it during Sunday morning - a time when, typically, Kent students are so drunk no-one cares.

"Thisiscounter...productivetowhatwe...seektoachievehereatken....tunion" started Budd, who intoned, poorly, that his aims for a union where all of the ditzy attractive students were having sex for four days per week, double the current amount, were being sabotaged from the ground up by a hospital service determined to ruin the financial success of Kent Union. The key to revenue generation, he said, was to get the union to sell as much alcohol as possible. They have a special accord with Boots the Chemist, whereby they have upped the price of condoms over 300% yet still have a constant rush on them, for which the Union takes 50% of the profit from.

"We've ensured that we can repay the debt the Union has made through its poor financial management by effectively forcing people between STD's and their heavier fines. However, the NHS was giving out free condoms, and in one night alone we lost up to £25,000"

Boots the chemist refused to confirm or deny this, but it looks like in the city at the head of the Anglican church, Abstinence is possibly a better policy than none.

HOUSEMATE WANTED

Three fat male Law students who spend their time playing on their computers, competing in idling Olympics on IRC and reading Slashdot, but who have no actual technical experience with computers even if we've spent countless thankless hours using them to spooge off requires a CS literate student, preferably hot, gothic female and with many friends who will pirate new games for free and will bring and install a broadband hub for us all. We're all very clean, and you can have the largest room in the house, only condition is that you don't instantly discredit our cheesy advances in one go, but let us down gently and see if you can find something to love within us all.