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UNION SIGNIFICANTLY IN DEBT - EXPLOSIVE
COVERAGE
The KUNt
spies have uncovered secret documents that have revealed that the Kent
student union is in debt to the tune of 250,000 pence. The money, disappeared
from the Union funds between March and September of 2004, and there have
been serious questions raised over the money handling abilities of the
Union members.
However,
a quick search through the bins outside of Mandela house have revealed
that the sum has been siphoned by Sports Officer "Bleeta" Lamyman
into what he has been referring to as his "Biscuit fund". Our
unnamed source has discovered that there are over twelve hundred packets
of Jammy Dogders that he has been stockpiling for an apocalypse that he
believes "is coming", and when it arrives, Will destroy the
universe, save for him and his biscuits.
When we
handed this evidence to John Bibblyson, professor of Psychology at a decent
University, he said that Lamyman was suffering from a serious lack of
a personality.
The Union
refused to comment.
DARWIN BLOCK TO BE DEMOLISHED
Students
are reporting that Darwin college is to be knocked down in two years,
following news that an independent building enquiry has declared it to
be "a bit shit". Controversially, plans are in motion both to
demolish Darwin college and replace it with a new college, lovingly referred
to as "David Budd Financial Mismanagement College", and in order
to avoid having to answer questions of poor tuition standards within arts
subjects, the block will be demolished with it's student population still
resident.
One
student welcomes the demolishing; "Its going to be really cool when
we all get atomised, It'll be like we're being beamed up by aliens!"
- Craig Armstrong - head of the Scientology society at the University.
Union Events take turn for better!
In
an attempt to encourage more people to waste more money inside
the Venue, as opposed at the cinema, the theatre or anywhere else
regarded as a quality institution, the Union has secured a variety
of new and interesting minor celebrities to appear at the union,
including Amy Studt, the Avril Lavinge impersonator, the two bald
transsexual German women from "Eurotrash" and Gary Lineker.
Next term, we will see a return from Pat Sharp, and a new appearance
by Dominic Diamond, former Gamesmaster presenter. The union released
a statement suggesting that whilst many of these people will be
seen as "past it", the Union is hoping to cling to their
flagging non-fame in an attempt to raise the profile of the University,
which has been regarded as the 4th most poorly put together union
ever.
Satire Writers Crave New Targets
The Burly Scandinavians, the writers of classical
works "The Illiad" and "KUNt" have run out of
targets, and are sick of going over the same ones. "There are
only so many jokes you can make about Bleeta in one term" said
the taller of the pair, the shorter adding "I wanted to eat
some chocolate now!". We're still unsure as to what that means.
Either way, they have pledged to get themselves an email address
with which you can contact them and post news stories to contribute
to further issues.
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NEWSBYTES
Students Wishing for Loans told to "Go fuck themselves"
Controversially,
a recent query during which the Student Loans Company were reportedly
said to have told a student to "Go Fuck Yourself" has
not been queried by either the Union or the University at large.
The student, John Willywhacker, who has been living in a lean-to
shed built of Wattle and Daub - the new Darwin annexe, is now unable
to pay for his accommodation, and as a consequence, may have to
move to less expensive Accommodation, i.e. a council flat in Northamptonshire.
"Can't Organise a Piss-up
in a student house" - Says Magazine
Loaded
magazine, frequent enemy of Stephen Lamyman, because he believes
the content is too explicit for 18 year old students have hit out
with a complaint that the Kent student union "Couldn't organise
a piss-up in a student union bar". The comment has been embraced
by freshers, who believe that in fact, the Union cannot organise
a piss up in a student bar.
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BREAKING
NEWS:
Eliot JCC president Edward "Ed" Edwardson has been expelled
for indecent conduct!
The university
released the statement that whilst they have tolerated the JCC President
Elect's often disturbing habits, including walking around campus with
a stein of beer in each hand, irregardless of day, wearing "The Darkness"
T-shirts and being incapable of organising any sort of enjoyable student
activities for his college chums, has been expelled for thinking it a
good idea to urinate on the face of Eliot Master, Dr. Keith Wren.
Edwardson
was so drunk, he was under the opinion it was a male, 12 year old Siamese
crack-whore named Sandal. Sandal in fact was apprehended by the Union
staff, and spent several hours under "Protective Custody" with
Union Rep Stephen Lamyman.
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