KUNt: The Kent Union News Telegraph

Student Union finally purges all thought from president and senior staff members, as delighted postgraduates leave for Cambridge

The Kent university student union, which was elected by a landslide vote of almost 3% of the electorate, roughly equivalent to the Women's rugby team society at Kent, has finally and successfully purged all knowledge from the mind of it's president, David Budd. The president, who won on an ad campaign of identifying the fact that his name was similar (but not quite exact) to that of the name Budweiser, an American soft drink commonly drunk by children of all ages.

"We were surprised by how poor his public speaking had progressed" said Stephen "Bleeta" Lamyman, responsible for all Right-wing activities that take place on campus, including attempting to ban pornography, to the crucifiction of homosexuals for being different. Lamyman, who was nicknamed for having the name "Lam" in his surname, yet not being Welsh, endeared himself to many a fresher by violently beating them upside the head using a cricket bat during introductions week, watched with his head hung limply from the Mandela building, as Budd as lobotomised between the Venue and the Eliot college car park.

Budd, famous for taking inappropriately long pauses mid-sentence, as if being powered by a commodore 64 inserted inside his head, was exposed to in fact be powered by a Sinclair ZX Spectrum as the cassette tape was removed, rubbed beside a magnet and replaced in the slot installed at the back of his head.

"I am…. … … … … soverypleasedto… … … … .. be here .. … … …. Todayasyourunionpresident……" his speech began, much to the consternation of many of the excumbent students who had voted the team upon the rest of the university in a final act of revenge against Kent.

He will resume his duties of sitting on a large purple cushion in the Mandela building as of next week. Stephen "Bleeta" Lamyman has been given an offer from the Welsh assembly to sit as minister for Agriculture. He is "Considering their offer"

University rush to call PR Firm to improve image of colleges, damaged in 2004-05 term.

Head of Kent, Dr David Roberts called upon Advertising moguls Saachi, Saachi and Saachi to step in as the reputation for one of the Universities most distinguished centres of learning, Beckett Court, has come under fire.

Beckett, which has previously hosted the "Drunken Shagfest" studies programme (Four years) to acclaim and a #3 spot on the Times league table last year, has suffered a hit in the mismanagement of allocations.

"This year, instead of the old formula of every one horny idiot to one girl who would quite willingly put out, we've instead found that we've admitted over 72% of students who are straight from high school, and were the popular crowd!".

The students, mostly between three and five feet tall, exhibiting a constant reliance on Jeans and their long blonde hair to hide their more obvious facial difficiencies such as being hideously vacuous. Sadly, not only have these students been admitted, safe in the knowledge that they may not need to put out, but also that such a dangerously similar group of people, all wearing the same clothes and thinking the same thoughts at the same time, could be dangerous…

"If an atom tries to coexist with another atom, the explosion could destroy the universe. It's the same with teenage girls with a broadly undefined ego mass and a need to feel loved by their peers long after it was required of them" Steve Jones, professor of Science at Warwick university commented earlier today.

The University has not decided to retract it's accommodation policy, and has insisted that not only will this dangerous contravention of EU regulations not be remedied, but instead, the money will go into promoting Beckett as a centre for paranoia and bitching. The UN is contemplating whether to send in two disenfranchised Goths with AK-47 rifles.

The situation is still going on.

"A full review" of all Student Union services to take place in 2004

Incoming union President, David Budd, has pushed forward with his election-winning promise to fully review all of the student services

A whitepaper was leaked soon after, possibly by the press office, including some of the services the union provides that Budd and his team want to look into:

Do I need to gel my hair harder every morning?
Student union shop = make more expensive
Make sure that all ties and assumed ties between the union and Kent hospitality are broken, and ensure that the free exchange of commerce, especially using the cashless card, is sabotaged at every turn
Where does the water go when I pull the plug out?
The longest dramatic pause in the history of speechmaking - do I have the world record yet?
Call Guinness book of records, see if my ears got in this year…

Stephen "Bleeta" Lamyman also had a list of personal items he wants looked into

Enquiry into how funny buying a dog called Syndrome would be, especially if I shouted "Down!" at it in the public. Would I be funny?

NEWSBYTES
Breakfasts and Catering review as Staff feel heat at Kent

A full review of the hiring practises of Eliot dining hall is to be pushed through , as several of the new staff, hired illegally from Korea, have infact been used to make the sausages.

An unnamed student suggested that his sausage this morning tasted "Rubbery".

Stephen Lamyman still fuming over loss of "Porno Review" for Union Shop

Stephen Lamyman was visibly upset as his failure to instigate a review of all material considered pornographic was quelled at the freshers' meeting in the Venue on Friday. Lamyman had planned, and had already ordered Debbie Does Dallas, Deep Throat, Emannuelle and Shemale Sex Slaves 4 from Amazon, naturally on the Union's budget. The setback for Bleeta has come at a time when his job is increasingly at a loss as more and more people realise that sport is shit.

BREAKING NEWS:
Eliot JCC president Edward "Ed" Edwardson has been expelled for indecent conduct!

The university released the statement that whilst they have tolerated the JCC President Elect's often disturbing habits, including walking around campus with a stein of beer in each hand, irregardless of day, wearing "The Darkness" T-shirts and being incapable of organising any sort of enjoyable student activities for his college chums, has been expelled for thinking it a good idea to urinate on the face of Eliot Master, Dr. Keith Wren.

Edwardson was so drunk, he was under the opinion it was a male, 12 year old Siamese crack-whore named Sandal. Sandal in fact was apprehended by the Union staff, and spent several hours under "Protective Custody" with Union Rep Stephen Lamyman.